I've never considered myself a writer. I did study English in college and, as a result, had to do an awful lot of writing. But, I hated it. I did it because I had to and lucky for me, I always found a way to fool my professors into believing I could write. Or at least I found colorful ways to camouflage my distaste for writing by peppering my papers with all kinds of interesting (to me) interpretations of the assigned text. I'm not a writer.
I chose to study English for one reason.
I love(d) to read.
I am (was) a voracious reader. My husband will say I love contemporary fiction, and what contemporary reader doesn't love a story set in our own time? But, I also love Shakespeare, Virginia Woolf, T.S. Elliot, Jane Austen, Samuel Beckett, and the Bronte sisters, just to name a few. I spent most of my college education studying British and American Drama. If I ever go back to school, my thesis will no doubt focus on some aspect of Drama. I'd like to study The Crucible inside and out or maybe one of Henrik Ibsen's plays. A few years ago, Ryan and I saw a touching production of Ibsen's Ghosts at the Berkeley Rep. It was haunting actually. And The Crucible was one piece of literature (besides The Catcher in the Rye) that my high school students showed any interest in. Granted, it was Daniel Day Lewis who really got their attention, but they were into it nevertheless. I was shocked, and even a little bit weepy, when I witnessed my students' reaction to John Proctor's decision at the end of the play. The room was silent as they watched those wrongly accused souls hang.
Anyway, I bring this all up because it seems I've lost all motivation to read. I'm too tired. Too tired to read. I used to be someone who carried a book with me wherever I went. Now, I carry a binky and a few extra diapers wherever I go. When I do get a few seconds at the end of the day, all I really want to do is get my tweezers out and pick at my face.
What's wrong with me?
I love being a mom and I love my baby so much it kills me sometimes, but I also loved my life before I had a child and I miss it sometimes. I miss going to plays with my husband. I miss coming home from the grocery store with the new US Weekly and plopping down on the couch to devour the latest celeb gossip. I miss reading an entire book on a cross-country flight. I miss reading on the beach. I miss spending an entire weekend in bed with a book that is so good you don't care that you've spent the entire weekend in bed. I miss carrying a book around with me and pulling it out every time I have free second.
I miss reading. I miss free seconds.
Is there anything greater than walking into a bookstore and coming face to face with those overflowing tables that cradle a cornucopia of the latest and greatest books? For me, it's an ethereal feeling.
I hope that I can rediscover my love of reading and pass it on to Lilly.
8 comments:
Jen, my reading goes in spurts now. For about the first year, I don't think I read anything. Maybe like one book, perhaps? Maybe. I've been reading more lately though - it just feels like I'm able to now. I'm with you and bookstores though. I love them! I could spend all day in a bookstore. I most definitely think you will pass your love of reading to Lilly - AND I think you are a great writer. You are.
Oh boy I am more than excited to be a mom but I too love reading and love spending a whole weekend in bed reading, or reading late into the night, and a bookstore is a dream (although these days I only allow myself the library for budget reasons which is still fun). I guess maybe all that will take a backseat for me for a while right, after baby? The thing is, I am pretty sure you will have more time and motivation before you know it. I remember when I was little my mom would frequently stay up all night reading books (she still does it). So this phase, it just has to do with having an infant I think...
ok. this made me laugh so hard out loud and people are staring at me...
When I do get a few seconds at the end of the day, all I really want to do is get my tweezers out and pick at my face.
oh, i understand completely. it's so annoying to be into a good book and want to read it all day, but you just can't until night. and then you're almost too tired to keep your eyes open long enough to finish the chapter. i battle with it all the time.
maybe you can read during one of lilly's naps?
1. You are a really good writer.
2. It takes a while. A good while even maybe, but eventually it does come back (the time) and you'll have time to both pick your face and read a book.
Buuut, I hear you. You most likely won't have another Saturday of laying in bed with a book all day. And I think it's ok to miss that and at least you're honest enough to put it out there.
I have to second Ryan's comment. I was just in class (while I am being lazy today and showing a movie) and I started laughing out loud, all the kids looked at me. However, I also know where Jen is coming from because I like to pick too, only my legs, not my face.
Ryan-Its a female thing, you will never understand, so don't try.
I totally agree about everything you said - being a mom is so great, but so different. I think it would be easier if you could ease into the entirely different lifestyle, but you have to dive in head first. I still try to read a lot, but it definitely isn't the same - the baby doesn't care if you are in the climax of the story. she needs you now! and reading on the beach was one of my favorite things, too.
Hey Jen! Kellie told me you were a blogger so I had to check ya out! Your family is adorable!! It is funny cuz I seriously just told Kellie 2 days ago that I miss me! I hate saying it sometimes cuz I am afraid people are going to think I hate being a mom and of course I don't! I was never a big reader but I so know that feeling of trying to blend the two. Being a mother AND maintaining yourself as an individual.
Oh and I added you to my friend list cuz I don't have very many and I like you!
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